He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
