She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
