Heybabeimwearingurpanties
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
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