I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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