I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Randomize
