dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
