i'm signing you up for texting rehab
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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