Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Randomize
