I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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