I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
