chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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