god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
