So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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