unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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