Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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