is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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