Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
