I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
