how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
