Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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