Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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