Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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