dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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