U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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