Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
