I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
