I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
