If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
