I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
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