I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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