I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Randomize
