I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
