I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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