Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
