the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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