Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
