Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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