I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
