blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
