would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
