Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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