Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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