Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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