Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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