the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
