The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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