Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
we're so committed to being not committed
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Randomize
