I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
