I'm laying in your front yard are you home
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
