it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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