Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
