I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
