just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
