A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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