Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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