i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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