Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
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